We were excited to get best selling author Jonathan Haight to answer some of our questions alongside our new collaboration with the Amazing Generation.
Rachelle: You’ve written a lot about how social media reshapes childhood. If you had to name the single biggest mistake well-intentioned parents are making right now, what is it?
Jonathan: Giving their kids a phone! I get it – parenting has become a constant battle over screentime and no parent wants to be the one parent not giving their kid a phone when all their friends have one. But it’s so important that parents do what they can to delay the introduction of smartphones and social media. In doing so, they’re giving their kids their childhood back!
Everyone talks about a “healthy digital childhood,” but what does that actually look like in practice? Not in theory, but in a real family juggling school, sports, homework, and social lives.
In my book The Anxious Generation, I proposed four new norms that, when implemented, can help us act together to reclaim childhood:
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No smartphones before high school
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No social media before 16
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Phone-free schools
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More independence, free play, and responsibility in the real world
But while much of this conversation has been about screen time and social media, it’s important to remember that the fourth norm, childhood freedom and independence, is crucial. In fact, the goal is actually not to take away screens but to restore a childhood worth having and remembering.
Recently, Catherine Price and I coined “The Rebel’s Code” in The Amazing Generation to inspire kids to make their own choices about technology and how and when they allow it into their lives.
According to The Rebel’s Code, a Rebel is someone who:
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Doesn’t let technology use them. Rather, they use technology as a tool.
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Fills their life with friendship, freedom, and fun in the real world.
If kids follow The Rebel’s Code, they’re already on a pretty great path towards a healthy digital childhood.
Many of us feel torn between wanting to protect our kids and wanting to trust them. How do we tell the difference between setting healthy boundaries and slipping into over-control?
In a dream world, parents are able to set family boundaries that everyone buys into. And the best way to get kids' buy-in is to meet them at their level and offer them choices, not to talk down to them or tell them what to do. The more you can make them feel like they're in control and that they're the experts—and not like they’re being lectured at by adults (who often break these rules themselves!—the better.
That’s why Catherine Price and I wrote The Amazing Generation to speak directly to kids and provide them with a choice: they can follow the crowd and allow their lives to be hijacked by Big Tech, or they can join the growing rebellion of young people who are deciding for themselves to delay their own exposure to addictive devices and algorithms, and fill their lives with real friendship, freedom, and fun instead.
My 14-year-old just got his first phone yesterday. We borrowed the idea of a phone contract from your Instagram, copied it almost verbatim, and had him sign it. We also are, of course, requiring him to finish The Amazing Generation before the week is over. I feel good about the intention, but I can already see the battles coming, especially around handing the phone over at night. Help! What is the absolute latest an eighth grader should be on their phone? And when things inevitably get heated in the moment, how can we respond thoughtfully instead of just over reacting?
Last year, I partnered with Dr. Becky Kennedy and Good Inside to create a guide for parents to navigate those tricky, tense, and, frankly, maddening parenting moments (we’ve all been there).
In it, we outlined the different responsibilities that everyone in a family has. A parent’s job is to establish safety by setting boundaries and validating emotions. A kid’s job is to develop emotional regulation skills by experiencing and expressing their feelings (including reactions to our boundaries!).
It benefits everyone to establish clear boundaries when it comes to the phones. While your 14-year-old can now use their phone to communicate with family and friends, it’s important that there are still restrictions, put in place for their safety, to avoid unfettered access to social media and the internet.
In The Anxious Generation, I advocate for no social media before 16. If you can still hold this line, do so. And if your child already has social media, it’s important that they’re only accessing the platforms in shared spaces in the house (i.e. not their bedrooms).
Another good rule of thumb is no phones before bedtime. The phone should go to bed at least 1-hour before your kid does.
And when you inevitably get to a heated moment, a key idea I explored with Dr. Becky Kennedy is that you’re allowed to set boundaries and your kid is allowed to have feelings about these boundaries. You can then validate their feelings, while holding your boundaries. Your boundaries don’t dictate your kid’s feelings and your kid’s feelings don’t dictate your boundaries.
Like at work, knowing your job allows you to successfully navigate even the trickiest situations. Success means everyone doing their job—not everyone being pleased with the process or outcome.
Peer pressure is the constant refrain in our house. What are the real benefits of parents collaborating with one another around phones and social media? And how do you actually do that without sounding like a crazy mom or starting a group text no one wants to be in? Is there real strength in numbers, or does it just add another layer of stress?
Over the past nearly two years, I’ve spoken to numerous groups about this battle that modern parents know all too well. That is: wherever children have smartphones in their pockets and social media on those smartphones, family life turns into an eternal struggle over screen time. Almost every parent can relate.
It’s also true that almost no parent wants to be the only one who doesn’t let their kid have a smartphone or social media. As I wrote in The Anxious Generation, this is a collective action problem. That is, we’re in a social dilemma that we can only solve if we act together.
This is why I’ve built a team and an organization to power a movement – so that no parent has to do this alone, and kids are surrounded by friends who also are delaying getting on social media. As a parent, you have more power than you think and we have a bunch of resources on our website to help you get started. The steps you take at home, in your school, and in your community make a real difference and are only amplified when we work together.
When you step back and look at this generation of kids growing up right now, what gives you the most hope?
The response to The Anxious Generation and, more recently, The Amazing Generation has been overwhelmingly positive. What we’ve heard over and over again is that kids, like their parents, know there is a problem and are craving a new reality.
When I look at the kids growing up right now, I see a generation of Rebels who, armed with the facts and inspired by the stories of their Gen Z peers and elders, will feel empowered to stand up for themselves and choose if, how, and when they let technology into their life.
We signed “Wait Until 8th” pledges with other parents at our school when our kids were in 4th grade. Our eldest is now in 8th grade and just received his first phone for his birthday this week. His younger brother is in 6th grade and has been assuming he’ll get a phone on his 8th-grade birthday as well. Given what we now know about phone-based childhoods, we’d prefer to push that milestone to high school, but we anticipate real pushback around fairness and consistency between siblings. How do you recommend families navigate this shift without undermining trust or creating long-term resentment?
It’s important to remember that you’re allowed to change your mind, especially when you’ve learned something new that’s important for your child’s development. And you’re right! The rule of thumb, and what I proposed in The Anxious Generation, is no smartphones until high school. Wait Until 8th has also backed this idea by asserting that “waiting until 8th” really means waiting until the end of 8th grade.
Your kid might have feelings about these changes and that’s okay! Your job is to keep them safe, not happy.
In the meantime, you might still consider getting them a flip phone or landline so that they can call their friends. These kids are also the exact people that we wrote The Amazing Generation for. There is a whole world of adventure out there and, in waiting just a few more years to get a phone, they may even get to experience more of it than their older siblings did!